ANYTOWN, U.S.A — Modern Beer Journalism was born June 23, 2012.
The parents, sub-humans who spend their day trolling the drecks of of the five Ws and a pack of unabashed cheerleaders, are yet to provide a full, Christian name. Members of the family said they looked forward to the child eventually joining the ranks of overbearing parents and New York sports fans in his growth to uninformed homerism.
Descended from famed author Michael Jackson, Modern Beer Journalism features a pedigree of insight and tempered beliefs on the artistry of brewing. His parents, however, don’t expect that to matter.
Modern Beer Journalism was born at your local beer festival, where his first words were a mewling question asking “what are those women drinking?” It caused an uproarious cheer from attendees, except for nearby women who were busy discussing the intricacies of a dry-hopped saison. Modern Beer Journalism reportedly asked someone to offer them a Leinenkugel Summer Shandy, to which the women declined.
“He’s probably going to do this every year,” one of the women sighed.
Whereas Modern Beer Journalism is expected to spend a long life at newspapers, those in the know hint that he may branch out on his own online, where he’ll focus his efforts on beer reviews of rare one-offs kept only for his own enjoyment. The expectation is that despite a well-rounded early vernacular, Modern Beer Journalism will focus on key buzzwords, describing things as “hoppy,” “malty” or “malted hoppiness.”
Modern Beer Journalism’s parents noted the beauty of their son is his unflappable optimism about any and all beer-related topics. There is no need for breast-feeding, they said, as a bottle of IPA is preferred by both baby and parents.
Drinking will not be a problem for Modern Beer Journalism, as it’s rumored he’ll simply tell you when he’s had enough. That threshold may never come verbally, however. Despite an insatiable thirst for India pale ale, his young eyes light up at the simple mention of a barrel-aged Russian imperial stout. In the early hours of his life, the only thing that would help Modern Beer Journalism calm down from a frantic growth was holding a 15 percent ABV stout in its arms while being sung to sleep by cries of angry babies who didn’t get one.
In an odd turn of events, doctors reported record size for the newborn, which was recorded at 2-feet-10, 267 pounds and already sported a full beard.
BREAKING NEWS: Tragedy has struck Modern Beer Journalism. Oliver Gray at Literature and Libation has the story.
This post has been my contribution to The Session, a monthly collaborative blogging effort with beer writers from around the world.
This month’s topic comes from Heather Vandenengel at Beer Hobo who wants to know – more or less – what’s up with beer journalism? A lot, really, but thanks to Oliver for tag-teaming this topic. We both hope to address it soon in a more serious manner.
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That Baby was at Extreme Beer Fest!