Birth Announcement: Welcoming Modern Beer Journalism … “The Session” April 2014

Stork_bottle

ANYTOWN, U.S.A — Modern Beer Journalism was born June 23, 2012.

The parents, sub-humans who spend their day trolling the drecks of of the five Ws and a pack of unabashed cheerleaders, are yet to provide a full, Christian name. Members of the family said they looked forward to the child eventually joining the ranks of overbearing parents and New York sports fans in his growth to uninformed homerism.

Descended from famed author Michael Jackson, Modern Beer Journalism features a pedigree of insight and tempered beliefs on the artistry of brewing. His parents, however, don’t expect that to matter.

Modern Beer Journalism was born at your local beer festival, where his first words were a mewling question asking “what are those women drinking?” It caused an uproarious cheer from attendees, except for nearby women who were busy discussing the intricacies of a dry-hopped saison. Modern Beer Journalism reportedly asked someone to offer them a Leinenkugel Summer Shandy, to which the women declined.

“He’s probably going to do this every year,” one of the women sighed.

Whereas Modern Beer Journalism is expected to spend a long life at newspapers, those in the know hint that he may branch out on his own online, where he’ll focus his efforts on beer reviews of rare one-offs kept only for his own enjoyment. The expectation is that despite a well-rounded early vernacular, Modern Beer Journalism will focus on key buzzwords, describing things as “hoppy,” “malty” or “malted hoppiness.”

Modern Beer Journalism’s parents noted the beauty of their son is his unflappable optimism about any and all beer-related topics. There is no need for breast-feeding, they said, as a bottle of IPA is preferred by both baby and parents.

Drinking will not be a problem for Modern Beer Journalism, as it’s rumored he’ll simply tell you when he’s had enough. That threshold may never come verbally, however. Despite an insatiable thirst for India pale ale, his young eyes light up at the simple mention of a barrel-aged Russian imperial stout. In the early hours of his life, the only thing that would help Modern Beer Journalism calm down from a frantic growth was holding a 15 percent ABV stout in its arms while being sung to sleep by cries of angry babies who didn’t get one.

In an odd turn of events, doctors reported record size for the newborn, which was recorded at 2-feet-10, 267 pounds and already sported a full beard.

baby beard

-30-

BREAKING NEWS: Tragedy has struck Modern Beer Journalism. Oliver Gray at Literature and Libation has the story.

session_logo_all_text_300This post has been my contribution to The Session, a monthly collaborative blogging effort with beer writers from around the world.

This month’s topic comes from Heather Vandenengel at Beer Hobo who wants to know – more or less – what’s up with beer journalism? A lot, really, but thanks to Oliver for tag-teaming this topic. We both hope to address it soon in a more serious manner.

5 Comments

Filed under The Session

5 responses to “Birth Announcement: Welcoming Modern Beer Journalism … “The Session” April 2014

  1. Pingback: Session #86 – Obituary: Beer Journalism | Literature and Libation

  2. That Baby was at Extreme Beer Fest!

  3. Pingback: The Session #86 Roundup | Beer Hobo

  4. Pingback: Why I Don’t Worry About (Beer) Journalism | This Is Why I'm Drunk

  5. Pingback: TWIB: Spending so much on beer your credit card gets declined | Short On Beer

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s